Depression

Something has been following you for as long as you can remember. And it is closing in on you. Fast. You try to run faster. Searching for a safer place. A place to hide. Anything can be better than this. This constant struggle to evade that monster and his talons that you know will tear you apart once they get a grip. 

Some things you just know. And some things you don’t.

You notice eyes all around you; little pin-points of red, staring at you out of this darkness. You see them everywhere. They seem to be angry with you. Why are they angry? Did you do something wrong? You must have, since they seem so angry. You feel guilty. Helpless. And slowly, one amongst them. They urge you to stop running. They want you to lay down with them. You relax.

You realize that it is getting darker and darker. The more you run, the worse it gets. But what are those lights? A bunch of twinkling little stars away in that corner. You steer towards them. You need to get to them before Something gets to you. But your feet feel heavy. Running isn’t as easy as it seems. Especially with those eyes encouraging you to give up.

But you glance at those lights again. Somehow, they give you hope. They rejuvenate you. You feel that once you reach that place, everything will get better. All you need is faith.

You force your feet to move faster. You try and force this darkness out of your way. Your eyes are stuck to those lights which seem to be coming closer at an alarming rate (or are you running that much faster?). You can feel the distance between you and Something widening.

And suddenly you are amidst the light. It is all around you. It is within you. You feel life. Everything is as it should be. You see things as they actually are.

You have left the circus, to walk amongst peasants again.

However, you know Something is always there, waiting for you. This light does not let you feel afraid. It gives you strength. And you know, now you can fight forever.

A Lover's Whimper

I thought I knew something about the world, and about the people that live in it. I thought I had gone through my share of struggles and heartbreak. I thought I was driven. I thought that my quest for knowledge was something that both pushed me, and fulfilled me. I thought that being strong, hard, and focused was the way to live. It was the way a man ought to be.  I was both right and wrong.

You opened my eyes.

You showed me that life is less about living for the moment, and more about living in the moment. You taught me to appreciate the little things, before worrying about the big things. Like you said, big things are little things put together. You showed me how to appreciate life, and embrace my emotions. To embrace that torrent of hurt, pain, anger, glee, satisfaction, regret, et cetera and ride in it like there is no tomorrow. You showed me how to achieve that balance. To be vulnerable yet strong, emotional yet level-headed, and appreciative yet critical.

Now, I realize the beauty of life. Now, I see the pattern in everything. Now, I think to question. Now, I think of reasons. I embrace myself, and you love me for it.

My only lament? I could not do for you what you did for me.

Fraidy Cat

Have you ever wondered why people smoke? Why they drink? Why, in a world filled with such beauty and wonder, do people choose to drown themselves in a pool of their vomit?

Some time ago, I started my journey down the rabbit hole, not knowing whether I would be able to find my way back. College, I thought! The place where I can finally be whoever I want to be, and do whatever I want to do! A place with limitless possibilities! So I indulged myself.

A couple of drinks here, a couple of drinks there, and before I knew it, I was lost.

When you place a bottle of alcohol in front of someone like me, someone plagued by his insecurities, and almost no discernible willpower, it is a definite recipe for disaster. That is the beauty of alcohol. It exaggerates the pain to an extent that it eventually numbs the mind. Until you can see the pain, and touch the hurt, without actually being a part of it. The elusive elixir. The secret of life. Or so I thought.

A dull knife does not cut, but it sure does bruise. And soon the bruise was worse than the cut I feared. I realized that pain, just like everything else, is relative. It all depends on your perception of the events that took place. Your take on the play that is your life.

However, in the end you can overcome anything. As the saying goes, there is no mountain so high, nor a river so wide that you cannot cross. It is just a matter of bypassing those initial obstacles, and everything else is just a cruise (albeit, a rather bumpy one).

Uh.... One for the road??

Hiatus

Hello, and welcome, my faithful followers! I noticed that it has been quite some time since my last post. I am sorry but I got a bit distracted with the other stuff going on in my life (yes, I too have a life).

But not to worry! I am back and ready to rock! I will keep trying to help you faithful followers gain enlightenment through my articles, and in the process, polish your reading as well!!

Till then, be cool.

Peace out.

Ramblings of an Introvert

Alone. I have always felt that way. A stranger in a room full of bustling people, who talk, joke, and share their deepest secrets with each other. I feel myself on a parallel plane, observing everything, yet a part of nothing. Even when conversing with others, I cannot garner the interest that I know I should. I cannot share the emotion that I know I should. I talk, I joke, I cry, and I laugh. But all I feel is emptiness. A mannequin among people.

I have spent countless nights dwelling upon this. Searching for an answer that will help me fit in. If other people can go through this “process” with such ease, then why not I? Why is it so difficult for me to want to talk, to converse, to socialize? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? 

And I waited for an answer that I knew would never come.

However, I have my days. Moments when I feel I can actually connect to the outside world. When I feel I can be a part of them, and take back something to fill that void. When I know that at some level I can actually make it all work. I can actually be the person I know I should be. I dance, I sing, and I talk. I play, I cry, and I laugh. And I succeed in fooling myself for a while.

Through the days, through the failures, I kept looking. I kept questioning. That buzz in my ear which wanted an answer had turned into a roar. And I had no idea how to appease it.

After a night trying to force down these menacing thoughts with some liqour, a friend told me something that would shatter my rotten world, and build it anew: Accept Yourself. At first it didn’t register, partly because of the induced stupor I was in and partly because of my inherent unwillingness to accept help. But slowly I understood.

It dawned on me, like the sunlight after an eternity in darkness. I was blinded by the brilliance of it all. The light poured through me, warmed my skin, and lit up my senses. I am not alone! I am not trapped in my own little cage! I am as free as a bird soaring through the thermals. My life was never about trying to fit in. I had asked the wrong questions, and hence found no answers. Finally I found my sanctuary. My palace of solace. And I call it my mind.

All of us idealise. We try to be the person society expects us to be, thereby creating a version of our self that we want to become. We split our mind into parts that we like and do not like. We keep searching for a way to improve, and attain that state of perfection that we know will bring us our Nirvana. And we beat ourselves up until that point.

Accept yourself.

We are all born unique. We are all different. That is the wonder of it all! The beauty of life! We admire the beauty that separates all the different flowers in the world, then why can we not admire the beauty that separates each and every one of us? Value the differences. That is what makes us special. Why try and change that? Why try and model ourselves around someone else’s idea of perfection? Embrace who we are, and only then will we truly find peace. 

Introspect

What is a goal? What is the point in achieving that goal, if all we do is set ourselves new goals as soon as we complete our previous objectives? Why do we even bother trying, if everything is a stepping stone to something else? I ask myself these very questions every night before I fall sleep. And yet, I wake up in the morning to begin that mundane routine I call my life all over again.

These days, time has just been flying by. It is like a kaleidoscope of events that you notice, but never remember. Every day is like a cigarette, you don’t realize you have begun smoking until you take the last puff. Like buying a soft drink with all your friends around, by the time you get the bottle there is nothing left.

And all this tension, strife, and sleeping pills. Why? Because you need to stay ahead. You need to outrun the pack of wolves that are nipping at your heels. Who will pounce, cut, and tear you apart at the slightest stumble or misstep. And because of this competition, you find yourself in a battlefield you never knew existed, armed with a sheet of paper the “bosses” call a resume’.

But today I realized what I fought for. What made me get up every day, to want to do the same things all over again. To fight the same battles, and lose the same friends. To make me curse myself, but continue.  

People say love is overrated. People say Star Wars is overrated. There is no link between the two, but people say a lot of things. That doesn’t make it true.

Sometimes the gravity and depth of the word just blows me away. To love someone. To care so much about the other person, that you put their interests and wishes before yours. When you see them happy, it makes your day. Every tacky love story in every language imaginable propagates this theory. But that doesn’t make it any less profound.

It escaped me for some time. I thought what I felt was love, until I felt some something more profound, and thought that this must be love. And then I felt something even more profound. Well, that continued for some time, as you might have guessed, before it dawned on me. Love isn’t the most exhilarating or mind-blowing mental state that you are in. It isn’t what the movies show it to be.

It is basically a fundamental understanding of the other person. Somehow knowing everything while knowing nothing about the other. A joining of two souls in such a way that every nook and cranny of one is complemented by the other. And within this karmic understanding, all the fights and problems are resolved in due course. All the misunderstandings solved. All the insecurities subdued. There is a subconscious understanding that nothing can damage the link that the two lovers share. That this link will last a lifetime. Call me a romantic, but that is how I feel.

And for that, I am ready to fight all the way till kingdom come. 

Zune HD Review

The Zune is a touch screen mp4 player, with a 3.3 inch OLED screen. It is accessible on any pc, through the Zune software available for download on the internet. It plays music, videos, the radio, can connect to the Wi-Fi, contains apps and games which can be installed as well. Throughout this review, I will be comparing it with the ipod touch (3rd gen) 16gb, as these are the only two real competitors in the market.

The Zune HD. Nice eh?!

Let us begin with the design. Microsoft has retained the basic design of the earlier Zunes, but improved upon the details. Unlike the iTouch's steel body with a chrome backside, Microsoft opted for an aluminium casing, making it much lighter than the iTouch. This is both an advantage and disadvantage, as the iTouch's smooth steel and chrome casing gives you the feeling that it might just slip out of your hand (and believe you me, it does happen), while the Zune's aluminium body offers a much more effective grip. However, this light weight can be unnerving to inexperienced users (again causing it to slip out of your hand!). The contours along the body of the Zune are ergonomically designed and will fit perfectly into your palm. There are three buttons on the body of the Zune: a home button, placed just below the screen, a power button on top, which doubles up as a hold switch, and a volume button on the upper-left side of the Zune. Now this volume control button is a big pain! You have to press it to bring up the on screen volume controls from where you can adjust whatever you want. Don't get me wrong, the interface is just perfect, but the fact still remains that you have to take it out of my pocket just to adjust the volume, which negates the entire advantage of a volume button! 

Now let us move along to the interface. Microsoft has taken a huge risk with the interface of the Zune. It is arranged in a haphazard manner, with no capitals, a black background, and small album clippings all around. But this makes the interface starkly different from the rest of the crowd, and appeals to me like no other could. The interface is smoother than you can wish for, and the brilliant OLED screen makes you want to keep scrolling through the menu all day long!

Now that we are done with the appetizers, let us move on to the main dish!

The Music. Is mind-blowing. Yes, I said it. After listening to music from the Zune, you will not be satisfied with the ordinary again. If you thought the iTouch was good, well then, this is better. Truthfully, both of them are really good. The iTouch has wonderful sound, but sacrifices on clarity for an extra amount of bass, while the Zune is crystal clear. Every beat, every vibrato, every breath, you will Feel. When I started the Zune for the first time, I listened to 21 Guns by Green Day. I actually felt the violin move around behind me. The packaged earphones that come along with the Zune, are wonderful, although I feel that Apple's earphones have a better bass quotient and thereby prove to be a better bargain, it depends again on what you are looking for.

The music menu. Notice the background.
A pic of the artist. 

The video. Is again brilliant. If you want to watch videos on any portable device, Microsoft Zune is for you. The colours, contrast ratio, and vibrancy of the video itself just makes the video worth watching over and over and over again. The HD output on the OLED screen is better than you could possible hope for. And the on-screen video navigating controls are simple and easy to use. The minus point is that you cannot watch videos in strong sunlight as the screen brightness is not that high (a minus point for all OLED screens). But considering the fact that people watch videos indoors, this point is negligible.

I wasn't joking.

The Zune has an inbuilt Wi-Fi detector and can catch local networks. The browser is simple yet easy to use. The webpages load surprisingly fast and even pages designed for desktop pcs load in a flash on the Zune. However, the basic functionality of the internet browser leaves us craving for more. For example, there is no concept of tabs on the Zune, or copying and pasting text, and the forward button is like my watch – missing! There is also the additional problem of the Zune not supporting video, so you can forget about using the Zune to watch the latest trailers and singles released. 

Finally, the apps. The Zune has a disappointing collection of apps. Although the ones released are fun and simple, it leaves you wanting more. Much more. The controls are like butter, and screen is very interactive, but the question of variety keeps popping up. Although apps are being released periodically, it is not at a rate which would satisfy the needs of a gaming enthusiast, and definitely nothing compared to the iTunes app service. The fact that Microsoft does not allow third party apps on its official Marketplace, stems the flow to a mere trickle. 

You gotta love the trickle!

To connect the Zune to a computer, you will require the Zune software, available for downloading at the Zune site. Yes, everything is called the Zune. I will be coming up with a review for that as well, because it certainly does demand one! Suffice to say, the software is a visual treat! It is simple, fun to use, and frankly, just amazing!

So this is a Zune. One of the more brilliant devices I have come across in my limited years. Microsoft has risen from the ashes of Vista and the earlier Zunes to show us why they are one of the biggest companies on the face of the planet! In this world where people need everyone and everything at one touch, and want one device to perform all their requirements, the Zune is a premium music player which does what you bought it to do, play music. Everything else is a bonus.  


The Good: Design, music quality, video quality, interface, price


The Bad: Lack of apps, marketplace scheme


And The Ugly(Truth): Wonderful player for an audiophile. However, those looking for an all-in-one PMP will find a better option in the iTouch.

Editor's Rating: 8.5/10